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3. An effective organizer with skills in:
Here is a sample of Y2K jokes and cartoons.
Sent: Wednesday, January 20, 1999 9:05 AM
January 1, 2000 Re: Vacation Pay
Dear Valued Employee:
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Automated Payroll Processing
Sent: Monday, January 25, 1999 3:20 PM
While browsing through some dust-covered archival material in the recesses of the Roman Section of the British Museum, a researcher recently came across a tattered bit of parchment. After some effort he translated it and found it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of "Magister Factorium", or keeper of the calendar, to one Cassius.
It was dated, strangely enough, 2 BC, December 3, or 2,000 years ago today.
The text of the message follows:
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.
The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. Its an ill wind ......
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know,
I fear that even if we solve this problem, the Y1K problem could cause the Dark Ages in a thousand years.
Vale Plutonius Pricus Aqua-house
Sent: Tuesday, February 16, 1999 3:55 PM
Y-to-K Date Change Project Status
"Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December
As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction."
Sent: Thursday, March 18, 1999 8:12 P
For all us IT people:
Leave it to the computer industry to shorten the term "Year 2000" to "Y2K." It was this type of thinking that caused all the problems in the first place.
Sent: Monday, August 09, 1999 5:23 P
*TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE*
Twas the night before Y2K and all through the nation
We awaited The Bug, the Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced in computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think they were snug in their beds,
Others had visions of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC and I with my Mac
Had just surfed the net and kicked back with a snack.
When over the server there arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates to see what was the matter.
But he was away, so I flew like a flash
Off to my bank to withdraw all my cash.
But word of a shortage had caused such demand
That the money was gone; the streets were all jammed.
Then what with my eyes should I see on my screen
But Millennium Bugsy; this must be a dream!
That hack of all hackers was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be the Y2K bug!
His image downloaded in no time at all;
He whistled and shouted, "Let all systems fall!"
"Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compac, and Pentium too!
All processors big, all processors small,
Now crash away! Crash away! Crash away all!"
All the controls that make all the planes fly;
All microwaves, and all traffic lights.
All through the system, to me, and to you
The predictions they made would soon all come true.
And then came a twinkling as midnight drew near,
All over the globe, in each hemisphere.
As I drew in my breath and was turning around,
Out through the modem he came with a bound.
He was covered with fur, with six legs outspread,
Two beady eyes, and a chip on his head.
With a sack full of virus flung up on his back.
He looked like a hacker, just waiting to hack.
His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples - how merry!
As midnight approached, though, things soon became scary.
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a sneer,
While he sat like a kid waiting out the new year.
Two little antenna stuck out of his head;
Improved his reception from what I've heard said.
He had a broad face and a round little belly,
But with six dirty socks his feet were quite smelly.
He was chubby and plump, perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know a new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose and a quick little wink,
All things electronic soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system to the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption; could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim, with a loud, hearty shout,
A Happy New Year to all as your computers die out!
Sent: Thursday, December 16, 1999 10:48 AM
Twas the week after Christmas
And all through the house
Not one PC was working Not even a mouse.
I turned on the power
But nothing was working
I grab the computer And start banging and jerking.
I laid out three grand
For this big piece of junk
On January 1st The damn thing went "kerplunk!"
When I threw it out the window
It made such a clatter
My neighbor just called To see what's the matter.
I turned on the TV
The cable is down
My microwave oven Is making weird sounds.
My new VCR
Is as dead as a rock
Not one light is blinking Not even the clock.
It's twenty below
The peak of snow season
The furnace won't work The pipes are all freezing
This couldn't have happened
At a worse time
I think I have frostbite On my behind.
I laughed for a second
And thought it all funny
Then a call from my bank In regards to my money.
"We managed your pension
And savings with care
But for some odd reason Your money's not there
We were Y2K ready
We'd thought we'd be heroes
But regret to inform you Your balance is..zero!"
I drop the receiver
To the bathroom I rush
I push down the handle The toilet won't flush.
I turned on the faucet
Not one drop hits the sink
I head out the door To the pub for a drink.
I jump in the car
Turn the key in the switch
It only goes "click" I scream, "son of a bitch!"
A computerized ignition
Has just sealed my fate
Not set up For the "2000" date.
I twitch like a madman
This cannot be true
No car, heat, or money What the hell can I do?
As I ran out of sight
Happy Y2K to all It's been one hell of a night!
(pardon the language)
Sent: Sunday, December 19, 1999 9:54 AM
IMPORTANT - Y2K Alert
Please take time out of your busy schedule to check your toilet paper stock pile. Make sure it's Y2K compliant! Experts caution that if it isn't, on January 1, 2000, it will roll back to 1900 and turn into a Sears catalog.
Sent: Monday, January 03, 2000 5:52 PM
Y2K Backup System
While we believe we will be fully Y2K compliant by January 1, 2000, and most of our subsidiary units and contractors claim they will also be fully compliant, we obviously need to make some preparations in case unexpected challenges impair our ability to meet the needs of our customers.
Enclosed with this memo is a "Y2K Backup System" device designed to meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer operations failure, or operational delay. This device is the company's Primary Emergency Network Computer Interface Liaison device (P.E.N.C.I.L.). This device has been field tested extensively, including certification testing, as well as volume and stress testing. Properly maintained, the device meets all the requirements for coding and data input. Prior to use, the (P.E.N.C.I.L.) will require preparation and testing. Tools and supplies required will be: A sharpened knife or grinding device; and a supply of computer paper (with or without holes).
Gripping the device firmly in your hand, proceed to scrape or grind the wooded end until it has a cone-like appearance. The dark core area must be exposed to properly function. (Left-handed employees should read this sentence backwards, and then go to your supervisor for assistance.)
Place a single sheet of computer paper on a smooth, hard surface. Take the backup device, place the sharpened point against the paper, and pull it across the paper. If properly done, this will input a single line.
CAUTION: Excessive force may damage components of the device or damage the data reception device. If either the P.E.N.C.I.L. or the paper are damaged, go back to the preparation instructions above.
Proper use of the device will require data simulation input by the operator. Placing the device against the computer page forming symbols as closely resembling the computer lettering system you normally use. At the completion of each of the simulated letters, lift the device off the page, move it slightly to the right, replace it against the page, and form the next symbol. This may appear tedious, and somewhat redundant, but, with practice, you should be able to increase your speed and accuracy. The P.E.N.C.I.L. is equipped with a manual deletion device. The device is located on the reverse end of the P.E.N.C.I.L. Error deletions operate similarly to the "backspace" key on your computer. Simply place the device against the erroneous data, and pull it backwards over the letters. This should remove the error, and enable you to resume data entries.
CAUTION: Excessive force may damage the data reception device. Insufficient force, however, may result in less than acceptable deletion, and may require re-initialization of action as above. This device is designed with user maintenance in mind. However, if technical support is required, you can still call your local computer desk supervisor at (800)-YOU-DUMMY.
Created: Sunday, June 24, 2001 02:05 PM
Last Modified: Wednesday, February 26, 2003 2:28 PM